Adventures of Talking Ted and Walking Jay

Acknowledgement

This is shameless plagiarism.

I brought home a Talking Teddy after watching Mark Wahlberg’s funny buddy in the cinematic version of a wild thought. All you have to do is pray one night and order it from Flipkart.com in the morning. You can own your own Teddy here.

Prologue

I am not sure how many of you would understand it, but living with a stuffed toy is not half as bad as it sounds. A couple of not-so-great things may happen though – My parents wonder what went wrong in the years they were to nurture me to become a fine human being. The beautiful girl, I met a few months back may not understand either. To be known as the girl of the 40 yrs old man with a Teddy in his closet, may not be the crown she always desired. The melodramatic turmoil that I went through to own my Teddy has also made my relatives stay away (Not entirely a bad thing though..)

Teddy was supposed to be the most loving inanimate thing man has ever made. Then, how did it blossom to be such a bad omen? If I had the time machine, I would go back and undo some of the things that led to such a bad reputation.

Adventures of Talking Ted and Walking Jay: The Pinch Miracle in boardroom

Ted is small and cute to look at. He has been living with me for an year now. He spends most of his time watching TV, some porn, drinking beer and making fun of neighbors.

When Ted first came home, I welcomed him with a smile and generous hospitality. A dry wash and new cloths would be nice I thought. I took Ted to the nearby Reliance Mart Store. Ted whistled when a foxy lady passed by. Soon, a crowd seething with anger surrounded us. The mob threatened to cut my balls and shove my Teddy up my Posterior. I stared at my posterior first and then at God above. “This is not sweet of you !!” – I whispered for only HIS ears. To placate the crowd - I slapped Ted. He brought out a scene of a small kid weeping off the shame, to life. This was enough to melt the victim's heart. Sheela (yeah! that was her name) asked me to stop the brutality and hugged the Teddy tight. I also paid for her groceries at Ted's request.

This was no end to the story as I have no paucity of dumb acts. One such high-point was when I stuffed him in my bag and took him to my office.

“You keep me hidden in that bag is embarrassing enough; at least, have the graciousness to not make me lie there with your laptop. A few magazines would be nice for comfy. You know the ones I saw in the magazine store. It has that bomb of a centerfold…with those huge jugs.. and pink colored…ummm” That adhesive tape drowned his whining for the rest of the drive, but his spirit stayed afloat.

Later, in the day we had a sales review. This was chaired by my Boss, fondly known as Goldmine The Croc. Goldmine is a bald man with pointy hair on the sides. He is a sweet person when he is fast asleep otherwise....well (chuck it, else, you will call me a whining b***h). In the review meet, whenever Goldmine asked me a Question too silly to Answer, Ted giggled in the meeting room. Everyone stared at Fat Joe. Fat Joe is considered the architect of all phenomenon without explanation in and around my office - be it the fart in the crowded lift or lewd messages sent to Goldmine’s wife from an office number.

“Why didn’t you achieve your sales target?” – Goldmine The Croc would ask and his fist would come crashing on the table like a war hammer. While everyone would stare at me for an Answer, I would first ponder whether its Century Ply or the Fevicol which makes the table so tough. Not able to comprehend whether the Question is a rhetorical one or not, my measured response after a minute would be to shrug and ignore. Every month we replay the act like puppets. I guess it’s sort of a ritual now between The Walking Jay and Goldmine The Croc.

Probably, these subtleties of human nature are beyond a Teddy’s understanding. That is why an offended Ted, pinched Goldmine’s rear on that Holy Day. (I am sure Ted’s followers after 50 years from now, would celebrate this day as “Pinchaya-Dasami”). Goldmine screamed so loud that, three glasses in the adjacent building cracked. Panic stricken junta called in the Anti-Terrorist Unit to investigate. A spicy news in TIMES NOW followed. But that’s a tale for some other post. Meanwhile, the Pinch miracle claimed its fruit. Fat Joe was sacrificed at the altar to please the Gods of the boardroom.

Not able to control my anger that evening, I shoved Ted into the cupboard. I had that mixed feeling of guilt and righteousness that Harbhajan Singh would have had when he slapped Shreesanth. It was a necessary evil and someone had to do. Ted needed the punishment. However, the supper-less night in the dark dungeons of the Cupboard and a fervent love making with the resident cockroaches couldn't break his defiance.

Next morning, after releasing Ted from his prison, I asked – “Why couldn’t you let Goldmine's comment pass without a reaction?”

“Crimes of annoyance shouldn't go unpunished. If they do, it begets a society full of Paris Hiltons, Digvijay Singhs and Rakhi Sawant." After a pause, Ted continued, "I was born in Blood. I am not myself unless I have taken the life of the ones who fit my code of vengeance. You are in with luck that your annoying Boss did fit. If only you would have called me Dexter instead of Ted – my purpose in life would have been complete.”

“Stop Watching TV at home.. and you are no glorified serial killer!!! You have no life, you are just a talking stuffed Toy!!!”

I stared at his Furry Face with the round nose; without knowing the emotions, my angry retort would elicit in the Teddy.  

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JAY 2:49 AM  No comment

The Bear Hug: Signs of Economic Downturn

I was fresh out of college armed with a MBA, and was lodged in a plush Mumbai Hotel for the induction into a conglomerate. I had a room partner - Aditya, he was a Kannadiga (IIT + IT sector + overseas stint + MBA). He typified a generation of Super Techies, bred under the carpet revolution which has swept the nation in the past decade. The IT sector in India has been growing immensely, fuelled by outsourcing and some smart leaders like Narayanmurthy and Azim Premji. For many a IITian/NITian/BITian, it was obvious to board the bus.
These super techies were well educated and smart, but the job on offer was comparatively mundane. The money on the other hand was easy, there was lure of overseas stint, and a better quality of corporate life that the new IT companies offered.However, two things happened in this unholy alliance -

1. Soon, with an experience of 2 - 3 yrs they were bored and looking to get the MBAs by cracking things like CAT/GMAT etc.

2. The bored super techie, with ample time/money on hand and an easy tech access - got interested in Online indulgence into the Equity Market and its cousins . No wonder emergence of the online brokerage/penetration of internet/booming economy and the bored Super Techie in an IT company forged an alliance.

Aditya, fell prey to the "obvious second one", stated above; whereas,I was still as non serious as I was two years back (prior to my MBA days). Aditya, in the dinner table would randomly throw a few questions to me like - "given a chance which sector you would bet on?". Then, what would follow was typical MBA global gyan on sectoral growth. Real estate,Retail and Infrastructure would form the core of our discussions. One interesting thing he had revealed to me during such discussions was - his penchant to back companies with strong leaders and an easy way out is - the companies driven by IITians. Thus, he would discuss with me - IndiaBulls, its rise and future growth plans. I was impressed indeed. He would also explain his game plan - The Markets are on the rise and its gonna surge like this for probably next two years - Here is the chance to maximize our gains and then it will be a super neo Hindu growth story.

Its been one year and things have changed since then. I am looking to call him soon and let him know a few of the things that is happening now:

. An erstwhile busy Investment Banker is finding time to comment on my Tagboard. Wackiness of his comments are not at all proportional to "the squeeze" in the market.( Who is etika ).

. A famous movie from 80s starring Charlie Sheen and Michael Douglas, is going to the editor's table and now the opening trailer would read "Once upon a time in NY, there was a wall street.."

. Top 10 Email Spams: A forwarded email by a colleague of mine is finding a place into the top 10 email Spams. This was an email on the walk-ins for Lehman Employee's by another Investment Bank in India.

. Corporate Bankers: With work, less likely to come by,the city bankers have installed NFS (need for speed) on their comps. No corporate client is likely to walk by, to borrow money at such high interest rates.

. Jaywalking Jay is back to blogging - He has time to sit and fiddle around with his comp. The sudden space has been provided by the decision to cull new retail projects and go slow on spending.

. Super techie Thorny is looking for start-ups. New projects are drying up for the IT biggies. Banking is a big customer.

. My consistent cousin who talks once a year to me had called to say "Hi". During the conversation, he drops in the news of layoffs to be announced by the Steel sector in coming months and how he is wondering what to do. Surely, one option is to pass on the CV to me.

These fretting facts, though from different parts of the world they are, point towards one inevitable truth - The slowdown is here - before than we expected and more monstrous than we have ever seen.

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JAY 9:35 PM  No comment

My Motorcycle Diaries.

My Cellphone was incessant. The whole world breaks lose to disturb my beauty sleep, which anyways has long alured me since I moved outta college.

"Hello" A very impatient worried voice replied "Sir, there are people around with flags. Shouting and there is chaos. They want the warehouse shut"

There was no manager available and people down the rung didn't know how to face the adversity.

"Shut it and ask all of the workers to move out. We will start work in the evening"

Sukumar Pal, the Loss Prevention Officer who happened to be the localite, dealt with the crowd and coolly handled the situation. He got the shutters pulled down and sealed. Except for the security everyone was goarded off from the site.

After that, what followed, was an ugly day of phone calls all of which were answered with the explanations on future coarse of action on how deliveries to the stores can't be made today. It's been the second consecutive day of Bandh/strike called by Political parties. It had crippled productivity and to beat the blues, I was getting some work done by shutting the warehouse from outside while inside workers were going bout their work as usual. In the Repacking centre, all women workers had also turned up and production was up to meet the surge in demand and sales in the stores. Only, some localites got a faint idea what was going on inside and soon a crowd gathered there and demanded immediate closure.

Its been an year since I walked out of college and since then its been a roller coaster (..shouldn't I name this article The Rollercoaster Diaries). This wasn't a unique morning, but just a part of series of challenges thrown in past one year while living in THE COMMUNIST BASTION in India - Kolkata.

Only this time, the strike (Bandh) has been called to protest the Price hike in petrochem. The reasons for bandhs don't matter anymore. Every month we are plagued by 2 to three days of strike in this part of the country. The Party ruling the state and the opposition are equally vehement about protests and thats the way they do it - "Jay, the more ya sleep the more ya reap."

You may lose time but your deliverable in modern corporate ain't lowered. At times it frustrates and at times it makes you smile. There is a shining Indian story and there is this part still living with communist ideologies...

... and then there is Jay who can talk about the economics of price hike and inflation..

lol BullShit. "Chalbe Na" Shut the F@#$ up and sleep.

[In this era of celeb blogs - I donno how many are gonna read it. But hey! do gimme credit for a hungry man, who could not pile up his ration before the bandh took effect and all shops were shut, has written it :) ]

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JAY 1:59 AM  6 comments

Lemme take a deep breath..

Since my last post...The green Planet has rotated about 16 times, Bush has lived another fortnight to annoy me, Madonna has not bought any new life,Lunaticgal has joined my frustrated blogviewrs,Suga has reappeared,Iqra has changed her blog, my dorm mate still asks me to pick his nose, I have unloaded myself with the sabbatical.. but my typos refuse to go down.

These 10 days been a satisfying work. I completed a project (a business plan), which can work for the upliftment of a tribal area in South Gujarat.Our presentation had put a broad smile on the District Development Officer (an IAS official). His praise, fed my ego a bit more. Well, nothing less but we managed to buy his words that he will act on the plan within 15 days.

It was surprising to find a govt. official so active. It certainly dismantles the myth about the bureaucrats. These people are good, abreast with latest happenings in the corporate world/economy and are eager to get help from consultants from outside(us ). The IAS was young, tech. savvy, influential and keen to get things going. No wonder he won some awards for the best officials. This sums up his mindset:-

"..Gujarat's GDP growth is somewhere around 12-13% (national avg. been around 8-8.5%). We are asked to double the GDP in 5 years. The 1st question that lingered on our mind was.. 5years!!!!.. thats too loooong"

Anyways, I have unwound myself with this effort and now looking to kick the clubs and mates in the chilling winter.

going... oh! wait.. dude.. will u pick my nose.

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JAY 4:22 AM  13 comments