Adventures of Talking Ted and Walking Jay

Acknowledgement

This is shameless plagiarism.

I brought home a Talking Teddy after watching Mark Wahlberg’s funny buddy in the cinematic version of a wild thought. All you have to do is pray one night and order it from Flipkart.com in the morning. You can own your own Teddy here.

Prologue

I am not sure how many of you would understand it, but living with a stuffed toy is not half as bad as it sounds. A couple of not-so-great things may happen though – My parents wonder what went wrong in the years they were to nurture me to become a fine human being. The beautiful girl, I met a few months back may not understand either. To be known as the girl of the 40 yrs old man with a Teddy in his closet, may not be the crown she always desired. The melodramatic turmoil that I went through to own my Teddy has also made my relatives stay away (Not entirely a bad thing though..)

Teddy was supposed to be the most loving inanimate thing man has ever made. Then, how did it blossom to be such a bad omen? If I had the time machine, I would go back and undo some of the things that led to such a bad reputation.

Adventures of Talking Ted and Walking Jay: The Pinch Miracle in boardroom

Ted is small and cute to look at. He has been living with me for an year now. He spends most of his time watching TV, some porn, drinking beer and making fun of neighbors.

When Ted first came home, I welcomed him with a smile and generous hospitality. A dry wash and new cloths would be nice I thought. I took Ted to the nearby Reliance Mart Store. Ted whistled when a foxy lady passed by. Soon, a crowd seething with anger surrounded us. The mob threatened to cut my balls and shove my Teddy up my Posterior. I stared at my posterior first and then at God above. “This is not sweet of you !!” – I whispered for only HIS ears. To placate the crowd - I slapped Ted. He brought out a scene of a small kid weeping off the shame, to life. This was enough to melt the victim's heart. Sheela (yeah! that was her name) asked me to stop the brutality and hugged the Teddy tight. I also paid for her groceries at Ted's request.

This was no end to the story as I have no paucity of dumb acts. One such high-point was when I stuffed him in my bag and took him to my office.

“You keep me hidden in that bag is embarrassing enough; at least, have the graciousness to not make me lie there with your laptop. A few magazines would be nice for comfy. You know the ones I saw in the magazine store. It has that bomb of a centerfold…with those huge jugs.. and pink colored…ummm” That adhesive tape drowned his whining for the rest of the drive, but his spirit stayed afloat.

Later, in the day we had a sales review. This was chaired by my Boss, fondly known as Goldmine The Croc. Goldmine is a bald man with pointy hair on the sides. He is a sweet person when he is fast asleep otherwise....well (chuck it, else, you will call me a whining b***h). In the review meet, whenever Goldmine asked me a Question too silly to Answer, Ted giggled in the meeting room. Everyone stared at Fat Joe. Fat Joe is considered the architect of all phenomenon without explanation in and around my office - be it the fart in the crowded lift or lewd messages sent to Goldmine’s wife from an office number.

“Why didn’t you achieve your sales target?” – Goldmine The Croc would ask and his fist would come crashing on the table like a war hammer. While everyone would stare at me for an Answer, I would first ponder whether its Century Ply or the Fevicol which makes the table so tough. Not able to comprehend whether the Question is a rhetorical one or not, my measured response after a minute would be to shrug and ignore. Every month we replay the act like puppets. I guess it’s sort of a ritual now between The Walking Jay and Goldmine The Croc.

Probably, these subtleties of human nature are beyond a Teddy’s understanding. That is why an offended Ted, pinched Goldmine’s rear on that Holy Day. (I am sure Ted’s followers after 50 years from now, would celebrate this day as “Pinchaya-Dasami”). Goldmine screamed so loud that, three glasses in the adjacent building cracked. Panic stricken junta called in the Anti-Terrorist Unit to investigate. A spicy news in TIMES NOW followed. But that’s a tale for some other post. Meanwhile, the Pinch miracle claimed its fruit. Fat Joe was sacrificed at the altar to please the Gods of the boardroom.

Not able to control my anger that evening, I shoved Ted into the cupboard. I had that mixed feeling of guilt and righteousness that Harbhajan Singh would have had when he slapped Shreesanth. It was a necessary evil and someone had to do. Ted needed the punishment. However, the supper-less night in the dark dungeons of the Cupboard and a fervent love making with the resident cockroaches couldn't break his defiance.

Next morning, after releasing Ted from his prison, I asked – “Why couldn’t you let Goldmine's comment pass without a reaction?”

“Crimes of annoyance shouldn't go unpunished. If they do, it begets a society full of Paris Hiltons, Digvijay Singhs and Rakhi Sawant." After a pause, Ted continued, "I was born in Blood. I am not myself unless I have taken the life of the ones who fit my code of vengeance. You are in with luck that your annoying Boss did fit. If only you would have called me Dexter instead of Ted – my purpose in life would have been complete.”

“Stop Watching TV at home.. and you are no glorified serial killer!!! You have no life, you are just a talking stuffed Toy!!!”

I stared at his Furry Face with the round nose; without knowing the emotions, my angry retort would elicit in the Teddy.