Lady Gaga Gossip: An Indian Lover reveals all

Excerpts from the June 2014 edition of Cosmopolitan 

Five years back it was dark, when

I had experienced the sparkle of the pink. 

I do remember, I did wink; 

only now, I realize - that's when I had started to sink.

It was a regular office meeting, my colleagues were giggling and passing a piece of paper while I was presenting. Though, I was at a vantage point in the room, I could only figure out that its some kinda news clip. As soon as the meeting was over, I let my curiosity go wild.I could hear myself say - this is my Jason Bourne moment. Tactfully, I had put my hand on the table while I was engaged in the conversation with my boss.I leaned towards him, as if I wanted to listen to him intently. Meanwhile, I dragged my hand on the table till it rested on the piece of paper.  I slowly slid that piece of paper in my pocket while I politely said bye to my Boss.

I rushed to the loo and took that piece of paper out. It was a news clip with a semi nude pic of my wife. There was something written in bold, "The  debate resurfaces - Lady Gaga has a wee wee!! Papparazzzzzi"
**Snap**

When Harry met Sally

Back in the beginning of 2009, I had just moved to Singapore, heading logistics division of a Media and Event Management company. A new kid on the block called Lady Gaga was on her Asia Tour. It was called The Fame Ball Tour. It was my luck, as they got stuck, and I had to dig all of them out of a sticky situation. Lady Gaga had thanked me by shaking hands and saying, "Poker Face".

**Snap**

Later, during the dinner she told me - how much she likes my science Mombo Jumbo. I flashed a freaky smile and said nothing. I knew deep inside I had blushed... and that's how the citadel was crushed. She kept all our email and text messages a secret, till she realized that having an Indian doting husband is cool. Whereas, I thought when Leonard can have Penny .. well why can't I? (learning: too much of soaps make you dull and you go big bang! cough! **). A delayed Monsters Ball tour late in 2010 meant, I had the opportunity to spend some more time with her. The air was abuzz with stories whether Lady Gaga was a hermaphrodite or not. I advised her the way out.

Generosity and charity to the third world was a PR ploy. A poor hungry brownie hanging by the side of a super Hot White Chick was cool. It could have been a kid for Angelina or Madonna and Jay for Gaga. I was blind to all. I used to think, helping her locate India in the world map, was cute. It used to give me pleasure teaching her the difference between the Red Indians and the Brown Indians. She was the reason I hooked onto twitter. I introduced her to Indian Food and Bollywood. wow!
       Once, my college juniors approached me for a performance in our annual College fest "Chaos".It fed my ego. Once disowned son was being approached by its Alma mater. Later, when it was realized that it would be very inappropriate to have a very skimpily clad celeb to dance in the land of Gandhi, the show was scrapped. Choices in my life were being decided by national political vendetta.

Photoshop had rescued me, when I had to show her pics to my parents. I told my mom, Ga - Ga (sing - sing) is an Indian pet name that I bestowed on her. I didn't realize the collective fraud that I was conspiring - was actually a  joke on me.
**Snap**

Since then, a lot of piss has gone down the drain. I am not justifying her faith on me. Earlier, every sight of hers used to fill me with Joy. Now, I am not that amused with all her pics, spread all over walls at home.I don't get up in the night to pee for her larger than life pic on the wall scares me. 

Back then, whatever she said was music to ears. I easily traveled the arduous path of Rock to POP. Now, at times she comes up with strange conversations. I could only guess that, it must be cool to the outside world but I don't really help much to propel the conversation for long. One day said that she was to attend the stage with Madonna at an awards night, and whether smooching a women on stage beyond her menopause would still be Sexy or not? I looked at her with startled eyes. I shouted at her, "Just the other day I had the opportunity to make out with my secretary and I didn't, sighting her moral obligation. Goodness gracious me! y didn't I do that?" She said, "yeah! right!". Things are not the same. It's different.

I am bound by contract with Cosmopolitan, from spilling more beans here. Please, Buy COSMOPOLITAN June 2014 to read more.