Chronicles of a 40 yr old moron II : The Journey

The trilogy began here >> Chronicles of a 40 yr old moron: The Date

He had decided to meet her at a restaurant near Chowrangee. After a mere 4 hrs of ordeal in front of the mirror (if only mirror could speak :( ), our "Man" was ready to go on his date. He took a cab for what was supposed to be a 30 min. drive. The cabbie seemed to be just off his slumber and reluctant to go through the efforts of driving. However, when he did start he did it with a vengeance to grab what every cabbie in Kolkata fantasies about - their place in the podium of  a F1 race. 

Imagine! A Gutka chewing Bihari stud in a dirty gray shirt waving at a huge crowd which was beating the Durga Puja drums in joy. Lame losers on both sides spraying "desi daaru" on each other. Two women in all their gaudiness and huge boobs falling all over the champ....CRAASSSHHH ! (It is so unfair but all forms of literature must represent a great fantasy ending abruptly - I am merely playing my part). The cabbie had hit a Maadu's Car. Maadu is a wild animal which roams around this part of eastern India and eats pretty much anything that smells of money. A Bong's laziness and a Maadu's efficiency oils the wheels of Kolkata. So, if you have to live in the jungle, you either pay for the accident or run away. The choice was obvious for Jaybert. He reached out to a Tram passing by and fled the crime scene. It was not a good decision; but, considering he has made worse in his life.. Jaybert moved on.

Enjoying the locomotive breath of the snail speed tram, Jaybert slipped into his thoughts. The scenes from his past flashed before his eyes. He had his own tryst with destiny and like a fickle despo Indian male who would fall in love with every gal who would talk sweetly to him, he too had his share of one sided love. After his 1000th attempt at the nubile age of 16, he had his 1st girl friend. The affair lasted exactly 36 hours, 25 minutes and 5 seconds.  Day 1 - the couple share the mutual imagination of the confrontation in their heart. Day 2 - the entire day she couldn't meet or talk to him. Jaybert called her in the evening. She had hung up when he told her that he has got a pimple. She never picked his phone again. 

       When he was a perfect 21 yr old nerd, a pretty girl again showed interest in him. He would brush past all genuine hints and cat calls like hoor ke saath langoor. Only later, after the exams were over did he realize that the bond between them was strung together by a subject called Microprocessors. As soon as the paper was replaced by easier topics like industrial management, Jaybert's bespectacled eyes and frail hands were replaced by a college rockstar's goggles and  his  steroid fed biceps. Jaybert took to drinking and spending long time under the shower in trauma.

When he was 28, he again delved into a relationship - this time, with a girl who used to work in the same organization as his. That's when cruel fate played its bittersweet trick and introduced IPL. Soon, Jaybert was  busy getting IPL updates in his iPhone than having an interest in his girl's growing assets and her declining biological cycle. Soon, she found another man for whom marriage to any non male was the only hope for his life. Thus, it was three on three and beginning of a long dry spell for our friend when he would have only his hand to help him out. This legendary dryspell is also known as Hum-Suffer and is delightfully depicted in a travelogue by William Dalrymple.

If he was a simple moron, he would have understood by now the world was conspiring to keep the womankind from uniting with the quintessential asshole.