Shootout At Malaka Street

The crazy crowd was scurrying for cover. There was pandemonium all over. It was something similar to what Jay had observed in English movies where a Godzilla arrives or Martians attack. But that’s a problem of North America. We, the poorer cousins in this part of the world were still being decimated by the age-old-less-interesting vices like hatred, hunger and greed. So, amidst the gunshots Jay suspected something more. The mystery didn't last long.

Smell of gunpowder had filled the restaurant. From the corner of the teakwood table; Jay could see a man in black suit with his face resting unapologetically on the Thai dish he had ordered. Blood was oozing out from his forehead to the dish making the red curry redder than blood. The lady sitting in front of him had her throat splintered by a bullet. The preliminary assessment suggested it was a terrorist attack.

Ashesh, Indra and Jay surveyed the smoky surrounding of the restaurant. There was a sea of motionless bodies with frozen eyes staring at the vacuum. None of them even had the time to wonder what went wrong in their gastronomic adventure. Remains of their yesteryear reflexes probably had saved our superheroes – but for how long, no one knew. Erstwhile superheroes Ashesh, Jay, Indra, Vaishali and Kajili along with their kids (Vritti and Adi) had gathered to celebrate Ashesh's B'day.

“Surrender yourself – This is NV. You can't defeat me this time”, Announced  a massive figure in his Devilish voice.

All of a sudden the familiarity of the voice struck our superheroes. They had known the enemy for long and defeated him in many a battle. The eight feet, four legged evil with ten hands seemed to have been brought back from oblivion. Without pondering over the how of it, they did what the situation asked for - A Counter Attack with whatever weapons the dinner table offered. Jay used the chilli sauce to blind the monster's eyes. Indra swung the sharp knife to cut NV's spreading girth. Ashesh threw a full glass of wine to counter his acid filled heart. However, these were of no use as the once familiar foe had now mutated to an entity which was unexpectedly resilient and morbidly dangerous. NV was growing in proportions minute by minute – engulfing everything around. The life size threat was around or was within, soon became difficult to judge.

Jay was shot in the arm. Indra’s ammunition of cutlery was also over. Vaishali and Kajili – with all their might were hugging the carrycot, the small comfortable abode for their little ones. Their eyes though would reveal – comfort was a distant notion. Fear rested in there. There are moments in life when even the mightiest of them all, face self doubt and despair. Moments, when hope tries to break away and self pity seems to surround you like dark clouds. However, the unsuspecting mind never thought such a moment would arrive in a pleasant evening at Malaka Street.

With no time in hand, Ashesh suggested to save the kids at least. They plotted the plan to divert the attention of the monster so that Vaishali and Kajili could make an attempt to escape. They all agreed - this time without any customary arguments.
They had to spread wide. Ashesh and Indra dived to the table on the right with a plate for a shield. By the time they lodged themselves to relative safety in the new barrack, the twosome had in their wounded hand only remains of the ceramic disc. They screamed and without wasting any time, they started to hurl whatever resources they could lay their hands on. Observing NV's momentary distraction, Jay nodded to Vaishali and Kajili. The desperate moms clutched the carrycots in their hands and sprinted towards the entrance. Once, they were a few meters away from the place, "hope" brought them to senses. With a feeble smile Kajli looked inside the carrycots and utter shock almost burst her veins. The kids weren't there. Vaishali was equally dumbfounded. Their moist eyes led them back to the battleground.

What they saw back there was an illogical turn of events. A scene which a blog like this with its limited understanding cannot justifiably describe. But we conjure up our own alternate forms of reality and thus, we exist - so I move ahead.

The smoke had settled. Vritti and Adi were smiling and playing with each other. There was no sign of NV. Our battle spent superheroes, were only staring at each other. Vaishali and Kajli hugged their kids. After spending some time to ensure themselves that Vritti and Adi were unhurt, they turned their attention towards the men. Their curiosity to know what happened overshadowed any concern for injuries that such a conflict may have left.

None of them had any answers except Jay. When the four pairs of eyes stared inquisitively towards Jay, he opened up - 

"I was hiding behind a chair. I could hear the devil's heavy steps approaching me. Everything seemed to be over. I picked up a fork and prepared myself to perish with a last hurrah.Then, I heard a little laughter and after a while, some more. The giggles were interrupted with a few "hmmms" and "uhhs". I peeped through a hole in the chair to find an astonishing scene. Vritti and Adi were in front of the monster laughing in a way as if there was a clown, jumping and dancing for their entertainment. Each laughter seemed to break into a hundred pieces and with each piece a fairy was born. The fairies seemed to absorb all the malice that NV could throw on them. Soon, the monster started to shrink and the fairies just smiled and smiled. A sudden flash of light with a loud shrill of joy filled the scene and then, they all disappeared."

The watchman flashed the torchlight inside the car and with his squint eyes tried to recognise the guests who had arrived at such an odd hour.

"Boy wonder! This is your home. Wake up and get off! unless you are planning to spend the night in the car", shouted Ashesh and shook Jay really hard.

Indra added from the back seat,"This bugger had a little too much of wine in the party!!"

Then, they all smiled and laughed a little. Jay looked at his friends and saw only goodwill and no envy.

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"When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies." 

― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

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JAY 11:28 AM  2 comments

The 7 Cardinal Sins minus 1

This creation leaves the trivial things in life like the general elections and an underperforming economy to the lesser mortals and talks about real pressing issues faced by the mankind and that is courting girls to find a suitable match for Jay.

Acknowledgement
This piece is being presented with a fair knowledge that tomorrow a disgruntled employee, a spurned lover, the newspaper-wala whose monthly bill I didn't pay and the neighbor whose window panes I had broken while playing cricket 20 years ago, can use it against me. But I see the Glass - Half Full. So, I confess here with a hope for humanity and its tendency to forgive those who err.

Cover Story

01/09/13 4:11:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: Hi

01/09/13 4:12:00 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Hi

01/09/13 4:17:51 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: howz u

01/09/13 4:18:13 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Cool.. u?

01/09/13 4:25:50 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: gud

01/09/13 4:26:41 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: n work??

01/09/13 4:27:07 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Wo bhi theek hai .. How was yo trip to Singapore?

01/09/13 4:32:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: awesome...

01/09/13 4:44:11 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: how was ur date....?

01/09/13 4:47:27 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Was gr8 ..

01/09/13 4:47:54 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: dis was which 1 ....ur nth..

01/09/13 4:48:50 PM: Jay The Old Hag: 6th .. It took me sm effort dis time but I managed ..

01/09/13 4:49:01 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 4:49:03 PM: Xena The Warrior Princes: omg.. 6th in a row

01/09/13 4:49:16 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: did she like u ? dats imp..

01/09/13 4:50:20 PM: Jay The Old Hag: I think she wanted to say so .. Her lips moved but her voice was nt audible ..

01/09/13 4:50:31 PM: Jay The Old Hag: And ..

01/09/13 4:50:30 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: hahaa

01/09/13 4:50:33 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: omg

01/09/13 4:50:59 PM: Jay The Old Hag: After u poison some1 it's best not to hang around fr long..

01/09/13 4:50:59 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: frm whr on dis earth did you hunt her

01/09/13 4:51:35 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: it depends on wat type of  poison....u r inducin

01/09/13 4:51:38 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: n on whom

01/09/13 4:53:18 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Oh! Don worry I know a bit bout poisons now after d exp of administering it 6 times..

01/09/13 4:53:41 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 4:53:52 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: dat i knw how smart u r in administerin poison

01/09/13 4:55:24 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: after all a 33 yr old guy will b an expert in it

01/09/13 4:56:36 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Is it so .. ? But all good things come to an end :( ... N now I hv only 1 to go ..

01/09/13 4:58:42 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: freak...r u havin a swamybhar

01/09/13 5:01:19 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Did u mean to type Swamy Bar .. ? Tht will b nice ..

01/09/13 5:01:36 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha.. dat too wit ladies dancin

01/09/13 5:02:18 PM: Jay The Old Hag: If they are dancing there, they may not be "ladies".... :p.. I mean to stop at 7 .. Coz I hv heard its 7 Khoon maaf..

01/09/13 5:02:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: after dat u will b hanged ???  or ...

01/09/13 5:04:31 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Pata nahin .. may be. Also, aftr tht I hv no reason to kill ..

01/09/13 5:04:48 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Der r only 7 Cardinal sins na ..

01/09/13 5:05:07 PM: Jay The Old Hag:  So, may b they will hang me aftr tht ..

01/09/13 5:08:31 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 5:08:42 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: yaar set ho ja.... bahut tp kar liya life main

01/09/13 5:10:12 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: official life set hai...ab personal kar le

01/09/13 5:11:07 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: i will meet u for a round of chit chat

01/09/13 5:12:13 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Life insurance hai na ..

01/09/13 5:13:57 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

Epilogue:

Dating Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Pride, Envy, Lust and Sloth.

1. Wrath (Ira) - She was all wrapped in a blood red sleeveless gown. Our love met a pitifully tragic end in the very first time we went out on a dinner date. Over dinner, we waited and weren't served for almost 20 minutes, Ira's anger boiled over. Firstly, she abused the manager long enough for him to have nightmares and then, she mocked me endlessly for being the spineless person I am. I think she may have questioned my manhood too. To marry her or not, was not the Q but survival of The Bengali Bhadralok was!!! It was not the poison that I used but Ira was done by her anger.

2. Gluttony (Gulabo) – Not every woman biting that Mango is as enticing as Katrina Kaif (see here) even if her name is Gulabo. Some of them stuff themselves like a pig. I am a pig myself but I keep my gastronomic adventures to myself and my ways don't infringe someone else's peace. Gulabo, however, crossed all limits. When I thought the dinner was over, she ordered an extra soup and then, ate my ice cream too. It was the chocolate sauce I added on top of the ice-cream bowl, which was poisoned. I have never seen anyone lick one's death to such delight. Charles Schultz has once said, “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” I guess he was wrong.

3. Greed (Avaritia) - To call Avaritia just another girl would be grossly undermining her persona. I find one word that can capture enormity of her acumen - A Female Munimji. When the food bill was produced she asked for a 5 % discount because the tamarind was too tangy and another 5% because the Rasogolla was too sweet. The effort required to burn that extra calorie would mean an extra month on the treadmill in the Gym. So, someone needed to pay the fee. Avaritia's argument was just and so was mine (to kill her). Ten more customers in a day like that would result in the failure of entire food and restaurant business. I was dutifully bound to carry out God's work and save the industry.

4. & 5. Pride and Envy (SuperVidia) – SuperVidia was elegant and calm. In the conversation, she flew like a cherepy bird from one topic to another describing how awesome she is. I soaked everything with her effervescent beauty till we started talking about our parents. She said her dad is humble, caring, rich, intelligent, USAIN BOLT, STEVE JOBS, BABA RAMDEV, ... (ok! she may not have said the last few but you get the drift..). By the time, Supervidia finished, I started to believe her Dad didn't require a woman as a partner to give birth to her. He is superhuman enough to have done it on his own (you know Mitosis). To be the daughter of someone so prolific was shining through Supervidia's face. Little else in the surrounding mattered to her.
            Neighbours envy is your pride. By that corollary, the one beaming with pride is unknowingly causing envy somewhere else. So, the above lady who had pride on her nose, in her silky smooth hair, her billowing gown, her apple red cheeks - was guilty of causing envy too. Unwillingly, I killed her twice. Once, with the poison and then, I shot her too.

6. Now, I imagine you must be waiting for the one I killed because of her lecherous nature .. for her lust..

Actually, I killed her because she said her name was Sunny Leone. Just like that or may be because I was bored of excessive social media jokes on her.

[About Sunny Leone - Did you guys watch The Virginity Hit, the movie that introduced me to Sunny Leone. If not for anything else, it is better than spending time in such blogs :P. The movie opens with the following epic lines  -

“I'm gonna do to your virginity what Alfred Hitchcock did to birds.”]

Sloth - the 7th one .. wait for it!!

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JAY 9:02 AM  2 comments

The Man Who Sold His Soul

Illustrations: From Ghost Rider (Johnny Blaze sells his soul to the Devil to cure his Dad's cancer)

Genre: Semi-Fiction (Everything is..)

Ratings: *

Warning: Leave your Sanity behind.

A couple of days back Namita (my mentor from Graphology Classes) thanked me for encouraging her to write as she started to blog again. This is her comeback show - Masala Chai..!!!

I only texted back in whatsapp – Blog brethren missed you :).

I had a wide grin on my face, a thousand times wider than the smiley that punctuated my response on whatsapp. She is part of a larger scheme of things which she will realize when it will be too late for her to dig herself out of the pit. It’s a Devil’s apprentice at work.

About a year back I met this guy who called himself  - The Devil. That very moment I realised life disappoints you in many ways. This devil wasn't how I had imagined it to be like the one I saw in Onida Ads (Neighbour's Envy, Owner's Pride). He was a smooth talking guy in suit who loved to preach. “Talking” he told me was what makes us human. [I was trying to understand him but all I could do that moment was to imagine my Babita Aunt as 20 times the human that I am. If words were actually physical objects no one will have a room to move when Babita Aunt is around. More about her later.] Throughout his lengthy monologue, all The Devil asked me to do was to make people text/blog/write. Everyone should text or write and write so much that they stop talking to each other. To end the eloquent pitch, I agreed to sell my soul to the Devil and make this a non-communicating noiseless world.

For every soul claimed, I was duly awarded – An Alto for a Car, Badminton fellow mates for this sports crazy guy, a won’t-disturb-you-while-you-sleep maid, a nexus 7 to read e-books, a won't-bother-you-after-sex for a girlfriend (too much :P.. ok, ignore the last one). A small man has small needs and even smaller desires (often even in his dreams). I may put it here lightly but once upon a time, I was a nice guy too and crossing the line wasn't easy. Initially, I had to cope up with shame and its first cousin despair. Slowly and steadily, I drowned all the feelings of malice in Scotch. It no longer kills me to take away a bit of humanity from every human’s life.

Despite history teaching us otherwise we dwell in underestimating the power of alcohol. Those who haven't tasted will never understand or agree that fine tasting single malt was all it required to convince Nehru to agree to the partition (True Story!!).

A small man has small needs and it’s the Devil who understands it!!

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JAY 12:48 AM  No comment

Worth Work-Shopping - II

As I mentioned in Worth Work-Shopping - 1, Sudha keeps throwing few random lines and we are supposed to build on it. I am putting here a couple of seeds she planted in the 2nd session and my humble responses:

1. "It was a rainy day when my parents came with a girl who was to be my sister..".

Even though moist, this sugar cube was hard to cut into three small pieces. But hunger knows no boundary. So, I have been trying to scratch on the surface for last one hour. I want to give up now for the task seems enormous but my folks tell me being an "ant" was never meant to be easy.

So, I look up to my mom for help but she is too busy feeding this newbie with small little grains. "She is not even truly red", I screamed within my head - "The one who is not blood red is not a true red ant".

How to introduce her to my friends filled my mind. All my life - The Semi Red Daunty, The Light Red - Monty, and The Shiny Red - Haunty - have bowed before me. Now, I have to call this orange head my sister !!!

"There is no justice in this world" - I thought, while I rolled my sugar cube towards DAD in the next 20 minutes. He was reading the weather report.

"Ant kingdom is warned against flooding today" - screamed the headline, my Dad was immersed into.

"Dad! I need help !!" I yelled.

"So, did I" - yelled back his DAD in his rum soaked voice - "..when I was 3, and my 4th leg was not even 0.1mm - I would still devour a whole ball of sugar on my own".

"No ant is a true ant who can't work for itself"..

2. "She woke up with a start".

She woke up with a start and a bad start it was. Alice was eating her pie under a tree, which was as huge as a ship. Black Colored pie was smeared all over her face. Yesterday, when she left her she was about 100 kgs and today she seemed to be 120 kgs (or so..). There was a small rose plant nearby her yesterday, but was gone today. What legend had to say, probably was true - Alice eats everything and every non-thing. Saunter, the bard, had once complained that Alice ate his poems. The pantheon argued for 3 centuries as to how someone can eat a poem.

She wanted to walk and see beyond the mammoth figure of Alice. But no one was allowed to pass The Gatekeeper unless they paid the price and fed her something. Alice wanted her dreams, but she was sure - not today. She had slept through the day at work looking forward to this dream and Alice will eat it up as a fee to let her cross - "Not Today", She pledged to herself.

The Fairy maiden that lived beyond Alice must be waiting for her. Last night the fairy had shown her billowing dress and shiny hair. Today, She had to meet her and ask her to come out of the dream. So, Alice can eat all her dreams - but not today. She repeated that a thousand times in her head while she looked at the ignorant face of Alice, The Gatekeeper.

[execuse for the need to edit -- with the time constraint one really doesn't get the time :P]

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JAY 1:08 AM  No comment

Blast from the Past - A Children's Day Special Story

Prologue: This year Children's Day arrived equipped with frothy enthusiasm of whatsapp. A friend passed on a message to put my children's day pic as the profile pic. I didn't have any (I do wonder if camera was invented back then.. it was a long time ago). What I had was a story to share..

Once upon a time, there was a guy called Jay and a girl called Daisy. They would spend the entire day immersed in each others eyes. Daisy would find it a tad difficult because Jay had small Chinki eyes, but Jay would dive into hers with a big splash. The splash would make those big lakes to spill over and the tiny droplets shining under the sunlight would fly away.

During one of the cold Ranchi winters, the school annual day arrived. The school seniors had to participate in the group dance event and they all used to go to Sapna Miss's house after school for the practice. Sapna Miss was a teacher in Jay’s school. She was responsible for teaching, playing with the kids, completing their home works, organizing the cultural events, sports events, and so on... No wonder, the town folks used to refer it as Sapna Miss's School and not Children’s Paradise School. Among her lesser known facts was that she was a 20 something feline and I had a secret desire to ask her to put my Tiffin box to flames with her sharp sexy eyes.

There was a small pond in front of her house. In that pond, there was a blue lotus which looked mystical amidst the red colored water surrounding it. The effervescent Wanda would cause a red tornado in the pond in excitement whenever Jay was there. Wanda was the fish that Jay talked to till Daisy arrived in the crime scene. There were too many girls inside the house and that would make Jay uncomfortable. Wanda was more hospitable and would never pinch Jay’s cheek unlike the cruel girls.

This one day, they all were practicing a group dance. Pairs of 8 boys and girls were dancing and about 30 other girls, 2 squirrels, and one little mouse were watching it. Jay was paired with Daisy :D. He was trying his best not to offend Daisy with any of his moves.

After 10 minutes into the dance, Sapna Miss screamed “Stop!!! .... Stop it everyone!!"

Sapna Miss came closer to Jay and said "Jay, what is wrong with you? Are you scared ?" Without waiting for his answer Sapna Miss continued, "Daisy! plz move away and let me show him the steps."

She dragged Daisy out and moved closer to Jay. She nodded her head and the music was restarted. Jay was speechless as usual.

Then, it happened…. Dude!!! It happened!! Sapna Miss took Jay’s arm and put it across her waist and pressed it tight.

“See... It’s not that difficult. Is it?” She said sang.

Inside Jay's stupid head, the drum beats had peaked and the music had reached a crescendo. In a flash, Jay was transported to a surreal world. Would you blame Jay for not remembering what happened next?

Epilogue: This was in Standard 3^rd or 4^th. The Dance Song we were practicing for was “Don’t touch, Touch me not.. Gagari Mohan Rasiya”.

(Daisy - if you have actually read this.. I am just kidding :P. I still don't know swimming).

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JAY 4:55 AM  No comment

Adventures of Talking Ted and Walking Jay

Acknowledgement

This is shameless plagiarism.

I brought home a Talking Teddy after watching Mark Wahlberg’s funny buddy in the cinematic version of a wild thought. All you have to do is pray one night and order it from Flipkart.com in the morning. You can own your own Teddy here.

Prologue

I am not sure how many of you would understand it, but living with a stuffed toy is not half as bad as it sounds. A couple of not-so-great things may happen though – My parents wonder what went wrong in the years they were to nurture me to become a fine human being. The beautiful girl, I met a few months back may not understand either. To be known as the girl of the 40 yrs old man with a Teddy in his closet, may not be the crown she always desired. The melodramatic turmoil that I went through to own my Teddy has also made my relatives stay away (Not entirely a bad thing though..)

Teddy was supposed to be the most loving inanimate thing man has ever made. Then, how did it blossom to be such a bad omen? If I had the time machine, I would go back and undo some of the things that led to such a bad reputation.

Adventures of Talking Ted and Walking Jay: The Pinch Miracle in boardroom

Ted is small and cute to look at. He has been living with me for an year now. He spends most of his time watching TV, some porn, drinking beer and making fun of neighbors.

When Ted first came home, I welcomed him with a smile and generous hospitality. A dry wash and new cloths would be nice I thought. I took Ted to the nearby Reliance Mart Store. Ted whistled when a foxy lady passed by. Soon, a crowd seething with anger surrounded us. The mob threatened to cut my balls and shove my Teddy up my Posterior. I stared at my posterior first and then at God above. “This is not sweet of you !!” – I whispered for only HIS ears. To placate the crowd - I slapped Ted. He brought out a scene of a small kid weeping off the shame, to life. This was enough to melt the victim's heart. Sheela (yeah! that was her name) asked me to stop the brutality and hugged the Teddy tight. I also paid for her groceries at Ted's request.

This was no end to the story as I have no paucity of dumb acts. One such high-point was when I stuffed him in my bag and took him to my office.

“You keep me hidden in that bag is embarrassing enough; at least, have the graciousness to not make me lie there with your laptop. A few magazines would be nice for comfy. You know the ones I saw in the magazine store. It has that bomb of a centerfold…with those huge jugs.. and pink colored…ummm” That adhesive tape drowned his whining for the rest of the drive, but his spirit stayed afloat.

Later, in the day we had a sales review. This was chaired by my Boss, fondly known as Goldmine The Croc. Goldmine is a bald man with pointy hair on the sides. He is a sweet person when he is fast asleep otherwise....well (chuck it, else, you will call me a whining b***h). In the review meet, whenever Goldmine asked me a Question too silly to Answer, Ted giggled in the meeting room. Everyone stared at Fat Joe. Fat Joe is considered the architect of all phenomenon without explanation in and around my office - be it the fart in the crowded lift or lewd messages sent to Goldmine’s wife from an office number.

“Why didn’t you achieve your sales target?” – Goldmine The Croc would ask and his fist would come crashing on the table like a war hammer. While everyone would stare at me for an Answer, I would first ponder whether its Century Ply or the Fevicol which makes the table so tough. Not able to comprehend whether the Question is a rhetorical one or not, my measured response after a minute would be to shrug and ignore. Every month we replay the act like puppets. I guess it’s sort of a ritual now between The Walking Jay and Goldmine The Croc.

Probably, these subtleties of human nature are beyond a Teddy’s understanding. That is why an offended Ted, pinched Goldmine’s rear on that Holy Day. (I am sure Ted’s followers after 50 years from now, would celebrate this day as “Pinchaya-Dasami”). Goldmine screamed so loud that, three glasses in the adjacent building cracked. Panic stricken junta called in the Anti-Terrorist Unit to investigate. A spicy news in TIMES NOW followed. But that’s a tale for some other post. Meanwhile, the Pinch miracle claimed its fruit. Fat Joe was sacrificed at the altar to please the Gods of the boardroom.

Not able to control my anger that evening, I shoved Ted into the cupboard. I had that mixed feeling of guilt and righteousness that Harbhajan Singh would have had when he slapped Shreesanth. It was a necessary evil and someone had to do. Ted needed the punishment. However, the supper-less night in the dark dungeons of the Cupboard and a fervent love making with the resident cockroaches couldn't break his defiance.

Next morning, after releasing Ted from his prison, I asked – “Why couldn’t you let Goldmine's comment pass without a reaction?”

“Crimes of annoyance shouldn't go unpunished. If they do, it begets a society full of Paris Hiltons, Digvijay Singhs and Rakhi Sawant." After a pause, Ted continued, "I was born in Blood. I am not myself unless I have taken the life of the ones who fit my code of vengeance. You are in with luck that your annoying Boss did fit. If only you would have called me Dexter instead of Ted – my purpose in life would have been complete.”

“Stop Watching TV at home.. and you are no glorified serial killer!!! You have no life, you are just a talking stuffed Toy!!!”

I stared at his Furry Face with the round nose; without knowing the emotions, my angry retort would elicit in the Teddy.  

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JAY 2:49 AM  No comment

I Phone: I and the Game of Phones

Reference - Page 69, A Game of thrones, A song of Ice and Fire - by R.R. Martin

Intro: 
Jay Stark has just taken the responsibilities for the Hand of the King in Westeros; which is like being Deputy to the King. A tired, irritable and hungry Jay has been summoned to attend an urgent meeting of the small council.

Littlefinger = Master of the coin = Finance Minister
Varys = Master of Whisperers = Head of Intelligence

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Jay Stark : I don’t think I should get such a costly device to communicate. This is an extravagance that the realm can ill afford.

Littlefinger : Master of the coin finds the money. The king and the Hand spend it.

Jay Stark : I will not be a party to such an extravagance.

Littlefinger : His grace thinks a royal device is what the Hand of the King should carry. Every embellishment will add to the aura, which will bring respect. Respect and authority is what you need to take the kingdom from a 5.5 growth rate to 9.

Jay Stark : Authority and respect comes from the genuine interest to do good for the Kingdom. No amount of gold, for that matter Apple products can add any luster to the personality of the Hand.

Jay Stark contemplated for a moment in his thoughts - how happy was he with his Samsung Guru when he was in the North. The Gadget was still probably the cheapest gadget in the North but communication was pure and without any guile.His expressionless face stared at Littlefinger for explanations.

Littlefinger : You would anyways need a device to communicate with the King for he rarely comes out of his harem. Apologies but we have already sinned and bought I Phone 5 for you without your permission. Please, accept this welcome Gift.

Jay Stark retorted: Why I phone 5 and not something else, what about I phone 4 or Samsung Galaxy…? I Phone 5 will cost us 20 Gold Coins more.

Littlefinger : Because I Phone 5 is sleeker, thinner and lighter.

Jay Stark : This one doesn't look thin or light.

Littlefinger : That is because we have put it in a cover that will protect the Phone. It is more delicate than a sixteen year old virgin's hymen.

Jay Stark frowned : So, remind me why did we buy this since, it is not thin anymore and I have to open the case and show it to everyone for them to realize I carry an I Phone.

Littlefinger : Our Lord is truly honorable and bereft of the intention to play in the misty maze of the Westeros. Perhaps Lord Varys can explain the technological detail as I am only the master of coin and I follow the orders.

Varys : My Lord! How it amuses me that it’s the matter of only intellect that an eunuch is called into the service for all other body parts are considered useless save his brain.

Varys flashes a cunning smile towards Littlefinger and continues - Coming back to the matter of our immediate attention – I Phone is a product which originated beyond the walls and like the whitewalkers, its life is beyond the body it is confined to."

Littlefinger : Lord Varys! Apologies for interrupting but could you speak in the language of the commons. (Eunuch! That's how I pay my debts - word for word, insult for an insult)

Varys : What I meant was, I Phone brings about a lot of interest particularly in the Ladies of the castle. This is probably an unnecessary information but even the Hound was being gazed upon by the vixens while he was carrying the device to you.

Jay Stark : That could have been of help, while I was still young and had not been to any war. But now that I am old and devoted to my Lady, who would I want to impress?

Jay Stark stared to the sky for a while and smiled at God's Irony. No young or teeny one can afford the I Phone when they need it the most and the one’s who can afford it, have no need for it. He was still shaking his head when he was interrupted by the stealth voice of Lord Varys - A man is never too old to Brandish his liking for any kitten on the block. Even the likes of you can feast on any damsel in the kingdom. But since, you are not interested the only other thing I can talk about is the magnificent environment of I Cloud, I Tunes, I Message it brings.”

Jay Stark : All these that you mentioned begin with "I" and why do I wonder that the "I" represents over indulgence in self. Do you think the Freecities in the realm and beyond, which use the Google products do not have something to Message, to listen to music and space to store?

Lord Varys : My Lord! there is a reason why one man rules over others and that is, they don’t know that everything in the rulers' disposal is only the glossed over version of everything they have. If, they knew the  holy truth they will be peers and no man accepts to be ruled by a peer. For he who was made by the Almighty suffers from Jealousy and resents to be ruled by anyone but the throne. Thus, the Rules of the Game were made and thus the game of phones had begun.

Jay Stark snatched the phone from Little finger in disgust and walked out of the iron door without saying any word. The entire council could see the half bitten apple logo signing from far away even as the Hand slowly disappeared from the vision.

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JAY 12:29 PM  No comment

Worth Work-Shopping..!!

Sudha Menon is a successful writer. She has authored the book Leading Ladies - Who Inspire India.She organized this Writing Workshop a couple of months ago in the city. I don't know how on earth I drove to that place on a Sunday morning... Anyways, yours truly was there.. 

When the session started, she asked us to write whatever comes to our mind but it should start with "I remember..". When we finished she asked us to read it. No words are enough to praise the kind of stuff some kids had written (It was like they were conveying ... "Hello! uncle you are just about 100 years late to attend this class."). Anyways, this braveheart also raised his hand and read what he had conjured up in the 10 minutes..

I remember how the last time I was in such a room full of students, I wanted to move out and have fun. How I wanted to go back and sleep in my dorm room. It seems different today. Probably, there are two reasons - one and the more obvious one is that I shelled out 1800 bucks to attend it and the other reason being may be and just may be I wanted to attend it. Yes, Its different.

What puts me to comfort is the common thread - I was and still am a Back-Bencher. 

I would like to remember more of the Back-Bencher but too bad that there aren't enough memories because most of the time I was sleeping.

Sleep - ummm.. that's a love affair I do remember. I remember how I used to have lots of time to embrace you. Everything has changed now. I don't get the time to sleep. I discuss you proudly with my friends as if she is the first beautiful girlfriend I ever had.

I think this is becoming from acceptable to weird. I probably should try and remember something else. 

I do remember something else.

I do remember when all this corporate rush started and I had first quit writing poems; then, I had quit the idea of writing a book and decided to settle for the low hanging fruit - The Blog. I do remember when the first blog I published, my close friends laughed at me. However, I continued writing. Much hasn't changed since then. They still laugh . I do remember the reason I didn't get discouraged and stop. I laughed back at them - thinking of their ignorance. 

Yes, nothing has changed much now because I still laugh at them and their ignorance. 

--------

..By the time I finished reading this, I had tears in my eyes and people were clapping.. you know the scene after the FAT LADY finishes her performance. A girl with the most beautiful pout kissed me. (Okay.. u got me .. this entire part is a lie :P).

..As they say rest is history.. for the remainder of the session I was a bit of a pain in the A@@ for the whole class...my classmates in this work shop would remember me for that.

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JAY 6:27 AM  7 comments

The 101st Kolkatian and The Reverse Metamorphosis

(This is the work of Dr. Jay. Dr. Jay was awarded the Nobel Prize for his work on reverse metamorphosis and the periodical “The Jaywalk” which first published his work has now become the fifth most revered literature after Ramayana, Mahabharatha, Geetha and Kamasutra in India)

Kolkatian – read as a Dalmatian or an Alsatian. It is a strange species which looks like a homo sapiens but can fly. It has spots all over the body and has a tail like a Dalmatian. It is registered as an endangered species with the WWF. Dr. Jay's work involved observations made on the 101st Kolkatian.

This was 2 B. G. (i.e. Before Ganguly – The Bengali Calendar is divided into the era Before Sourav Ganguly’s retirement and After Sourav Ganguly’s retirement from International cricket),  when our hero arrived at this city called Kolkata which was once the British Capital. The Kolkatian was a free spirited Butterfly. He took to the city like the fish takes to the water. The City’s grip was more passionate than that of a lover. It was all wonderful. He was all for the City and the City was his. However, soon The City of Joy clipped his wings and he stopped flying away. Gone were any vacation trips to Goa, Mumbai, Delhi or Bangy. He would hang-out at a popular Camac Street joint or stroll down the roads of Park Street chatting with the pimps. Someone had rolled the dice and triggered a biological phenomenon.

It was not long when chemical changes in his body, left the Kolkatian a crawling caterpillar. It was all Home to Office and Office to Home. The high-point of the day would be the Kusum Roll near a Metro Station while going back to home. Amidst this burn, he was becoming more perceptive and would observe the nature carefully. Probably, his intellectual horizon was expanding. He appreciated little joys that the city would provide him. Some intellectuals at his office said this was what being a classical Babumosai meant and he should enjoy till it lasted… and he did:

He observed the love between The Pan Chewing Spouse and the Blouse fixing Boudi (Bhabhi - sister in Law)… An 82+ Daadu (grandpa) would Hi- Fi in joy as for the 2000^th time he had chased a speeding Tram and got on to it… and then there were kids.. ummmmm.. No! Kids were like everywhere else, annoying our Kolkatian for not leaving the Air-hockey or The Shooting game that he wanted to play in the TimeZone at South City Mall.

Oh! The affair and bond grew stronger every passing day. The Lackadaisical Kolkatian soon wouldn’t like more than 8 hours a day of work and go straight to home after work to sleep. The day was not far when the weekends meant by the home, for the home and in the home. The only way to hear the Kolkatian was to chat online or message him over phone. The script was just unfolding. This was 2 A. G. the entire locality where our hero stayed, started having problems with the cellphone services. Legends say, it was a poor frustrated local CPM supporter who caused this. He was still sulking in the election defeat when one night he was beaten badly by his wife. She had been demanding the new android touch phone and he couldn’t buy one. They say she used an abusive language never heard of in decent/indecent Bengali before and a swinging broom that did all the damage. Out of anger and frustration, he burnt down all the local mobile towers disrupting the connectivity for months. This event made the news in Sananda TV, TARA TV, Star Jalsa, Kolkata 24, The Statesman and The Telegraph… What was not heard or noticed was about the Kolkatian, the protagonist of this epic story who was now virtually isolated. He wouldn't get up from the bed and no one could contact him…. The Kolkatian was safe and sleeping in his cocoon… He would dream of a world of wealth, happiness and equality; where children would be playing around the statues of Karl Marx and Jyoti Basu.

The Intellectual Evolution and the Reverse Metamorphosis were complete.

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JAY 9:53 AM  No comment

Pulp! Fiction: Shalom to Slam on

[watching Pulp Fiction would help you connect and puke at the farce which follows.]

Prologue

When I was packing to leave for Kolkata, the smell of Marijuana was yet to dissipate in the hut. A new day of immorality had begun while the ashes from the wrong deeds of last nite hadn't quite settled. I hopped across the ruins with my luggage in the hall. There was Mobydick lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Two immaculate signature skull signs on his face suggested, this was the work of the deadly duo Vincent Tiru Vega and Donnie Danko (Ram).

Prelude to the Battle of Musicals

All the warlords had gathered in that Delhi winter to attend STDs wedding. STD introduced us to a lot of tribes and their warriors. One of them, was his close aide and confidant, Mobydick. Pyaar se they called him Mahalingum. (Legend had Mobydick wielded his "tool" like Lord's weapon to kill giant mosquitoes. Today, folks may not appreciate the selfless work done by Mobydick, but a mythical hero of the 40s India couldn't have been different - Mobydick : the super crusader against Diarrhoea and Malaria).

The guests were treated lavishly with booze and binge at Shalom. The South Delhi lounge bar couldn't quite satisfy the herd and they decided to take the party to the underground bastion of STD. All the wild cats gathered around fire to sing, dance, booze and smoke weed.

The battle of Musicals

Mobydick had repeated for the nth time in his pumpkin intrepid English, "Guys! you don't listen to Pink Floyd!! What is wrong with ya all?." The rum soaked voice went on to ridicule our musical taste. Donnie Danko ignored him for the nth time. As his fingers slipped over the face of his new android HTC and played songs after songs, Mobydick was getting offended more and more.

Vincent Tiru Vega would often dispel the growing tension in the room by playing songs that would melt any hostility. His cheap booty-shaking Bollywood numbers would cut across even the divine differences of "the geeks" and "the freaks", "the chicks" and "the dicks", "the laid" and "yet to be laid". Hence, Vincent Vega received a meek approval from the opponents. If there was a battle of musicals to go into the annals of fable, this was one. Mobydick forcing Eddie Vedder down Medha's ears, Medha Wallace pleading Bhooke to play Eddie Vedder, Bhooke playing Wolfmother for Donnie Danko, Donnie Danko playing Iron Maiden for Vincent Vega and Vincent Vega playing Tu Cheez Badi Hai Mast Mast. It was a Mexican Standoff. 

After Eddie Vedder's song was taken to immortality by Mobydick, Medha Wallace realized, the umpteen Mojitos weren't enough to make her go through with that excruciating pain. She quietly moved out of the scene.

When I left the scene, the battlefield had three last men sitting: Donnie HTC Danko, Vincent Blackberry Vega and Moby IPhone Dick. A passing glimpse showed me a glint in Danko's eyes, smile in Vega's face and fear in Mobydicks soul. While, I was shutting the door of my room, I heard Mobydick sing "daughter". After a minute I heard, "thud! thud!". An eerie silence followed.

Epilogue
As soon as the flight landed in Kolkata, Bhooke received a twitter update on his phone, "Vincent Vega and Donnie Danko have struck again - reveals a new youtube video!"  

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JAY 9:50 AM  No comment

Chronicles of a 40 yr old moron II : The Journey

The trilogy began here >> Chronicles of a 40 yr old moron: The Date

He had decided to meet her at a restaurant near Chowrangee. After a mere 4 hrs of ordeal in front of the mirror (if only mirror could speak :( ), our "Man" was ready to go on his date. He took a cab for what was supposed to be a 30 min. drive. The cabbie seemed to be just off his slumber and reluctant to go through the efforts of driving. However, when he did start he did it with a vengeance to grab what every cabbie in Kolkata fantasies about - their place in the podium of  a F1 race. 

Imagine! A Gutka chewing Bihari stud in a dirty gray shirt waving at a huge crowd which was beating the Durga Puja drums in joy. Lame losers on both sides spraying "desi daaru" on each other. Two women in all their gaudiness and huge boobs falling all over the champ....CRAASSSHHH ! (It is so unfair but all forms of literature must represent a great fantasy ending abruptly - I am merely playing my part). The cabbie had hit a Maadu's Car. Maadu is a wild animal which roams around this part of eastern India and eats pretty much anything that smells of money. A Bong's laziness and a Maadu's efficiency oils the wheels of Kolkata. So, if you have to live in the jungle, you either pay for the accident or run away. The choice was obvious for Jaybert. He reached out to a Tram passing by and fled the crime scene. It was not a good decision; but, considering he has made worse in his life.. Jaybert moved on.

Enjoying the locomotive breath of the snail speed tram, Jaybert slipped into his thoughts. The scenes from his past flashed before his eyes. He had his own tryst with destiny and like a fickle despo Indian male who would fall in love with every gal who would talk sweetly to him, he too had his share of one sided love. After his 1000th attempt at the nubile age of 16, he had his 1st girl friend. The affair lasted exactly 36 hours, 25 minutes and 5 seconds.  Day 1 - the couple share the mutual imagination of the confrontation in their heart. Day 2 - the entire day she couldn't meet or talk to him. Jaybert called her in the evening. She had hung up when he told her that he has got a pimple. She never picked his phone again. 

       When he was a perfect 21 yr old nerd, a pretty girl again showed interest in him. He would brush past all genuine hints and cat calls like hoor ke saath langoor. Only later, after the exams were over did he realize that the bond between them was strung together by a subject called Microprocessors. As soon as the paper was replaced by easier topics like industrial management, Jaybert's bespectacled eyes and frail hands were replaced by a college rockstar's goggles and  his  steroid fed biceps. Jaybert took to drinking and spending long time under the shower in trauma.

When he was 28, he again delved into a relationship - this time, with a girl who used to work in the same organization as his. That's when cruel fate played its bittersweet trick and introduced IPL. Soon, Jaybert was  busy getting IPL updates in his iPhone than having an interest in his girl's growing assets and her declining biological cycle. Soon, she found another man for whom marriage to any non male was the only hope for his life. Thus, it was three on three and beginning of a long dry spell for our friend when he would have only his hand to help him out. This legendary dryspell is also known as Hum-Suffer and is delightfully depicted in a travelogue by William Dalrymple.

If he was a simple moron, he would have understood by now the world was conspiring to keep the womankind from uniting with the quintessential asshole.

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JAY 10:09 AM  No comment

Lady Gaga Gossip: An Indian Lover reveals all

Excerpts from the June 2014 edition of Cosmopolitan 

Five years back it was dark, when

I had experienced the sparkle of the pink. 

I do remember, I did wink; 

only now, I realize - that's when I had started to sink.

It was a regular office meeting, my colleagues were giggling and passing a piece of paper while I was presenting. Though, I was at a vantage point in the room, I could only figure out that its some kinda news clip. As soon as the meeting was over, I let my curiosity go wild.I could hear myself say - this is my Jason Bourne moment. Tactfully, I had put my hand on the table while I was engaged in the conversation with my boss.I leaned towards him, as if I wanted to listen to him intently. Meanwhile, I dragged my hand on the table till it rested on the piece of paper.  I slowly slid that piece of paper in my pocket while I politely said bye to my Boss.

I rushed to the loo and took that piece of paper out. It was a news clip with a semi nude pic of my wife. There was something written in bold, "The  debate resurfaces - Lady Gaga has a wee wee!! Papparazzzzzi"
**Snap**

When Harry met Sally

Back in the beginning of 2009, I had just moved to Singapore, heading logistics division of a Media and Event Management company. A new kid on the block called Lady Gaga was on her Asia Tour. It was called The Fame Ball Tour. It was my luck, as they got stuck, and I had to dig all of them out of a sticky situation. Lady Gaga had thanked me by shaking hands and saying, "Poker Face".

**Snap**

Later, during the dinner she told me - how much she likes my science Mombo Jumbo. I flashed a freaky smile and said nothing. I knew deep inside I had blushed... and that's how the citadel was crushed. She kept all our email and text messages a secret, till she realized that having an Indian doting husband is cool. Whereas, I thought when Leonard can have Penny .. well why can't I? (learning: too much of soaps make you dull and you go big bang! cough! **). A delayed Monsters Ball tour late in 2010 meant, I had the opportunity to spend some more time with her. The air was abuzz with stories whether Lady Gaga was a hermaphrodite or not. I advised her the way out.

Generosity and charity to the third world was a PR ploy. A poor hungry brownie hanging by the side of a super Hot White Chick was cool. It could have been a kid for Angelina or Madonna and Jay for Gaga. I was blind to all. I used to think, helping her locate India in the world map, was cute. It used to give me pleasure teaching her the difference between the Red Indians and the Brown Indians. She was the reason I hooked onto twitter. I introduced her to Indian Food and Bollywood. wow!
       Once, my college juniors approached me for a performance in our annual College fest "Chaos".It fed my ego. Once disowned son was being approached by its Alma mater. Later, when it was realized that it would be very inappropriate to have a very skimpily clad celeb to dance in the land of Gandhi, the show was scrapped. Choices in my life were being decided by national political vendetta.

Photoshop had rescued me, when I had to show her pics to my parents. I told my mom, Ga - Ga (sing - sing) is an Indian pet name that I bestowed on her. I didn't realize the collective fraud that I was conspiring - was actually a  joke on me.
**Snap**

Since then, a lot of piss has gone down the drain. I am not justifying her faith on me. Earlier, every sight of hers used to fill me with Joy. Now, I am not that amused with all her pics, spread all over walls at home.I don't get up in the night to pee for her larger than life pic on the wall scares me. 

Back then, whatever she said was music to ears. I easily traveled the arduous path of Rock to POP. Now, at times she comes up with strange conversations. I could only guess that, it must be cool to the outside world but I don't really help much to propel the conversation for long. One day said that she was to attend the stage with Madonna at an awards night, and whether smooching a women on stage beyond her menopause would still be Sexy or not? I looked at her with startled eyes. I shouted at her, "Just the other day I had the opportunity to make out with my secretary and I didn't, sighting her moral obligation. Goodness gracious me! y didn't I do that?" She said, "yeah! right!". Things are not the same. It's different.

I am bound by contract with Cosmopolitan, from spilling more beans here. Please, Buy COSMOPOLITAN June 2014 to read more.

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JAY 10:29 AM  No comment