Oscar Wilde - Women are to be loved...

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JAY 3:44 AM  3 comments

Shootout At Malaka Street

The crazy crowd was scurrying for cover. There was pandemonium all over. It was something similar to what Jay had observed in English movies where a Godzilla arrives or Martians attack. But that’s a problem of North America. We, the poorer cousins in this part of the world were still being decimated by the age-old-less-interesting vices like hatred, hunger and greed. So, amidst the gunshots Jay suspected something more. The mystery didn't last long.

Smell of gunpowder had filled the restaurant. From the corner of the teakwood table; Jay could see a man in black suit with his face resting unapologetically on the Thai dish he had ordered. Blood was oozing out from his forehead to the dish making the red curry redder than blood. The lady sitting in front of him had her throat splintered by a bullet. The preliminary assessment suggested it was a terrorist attack.

Ashesh, Indra and Jay surveyed the smoky surrounding of the restaurant. There was a sea of motionless bodies with frozen eyes staring at the vacuum. None of them even had the time to wonder what went wrong in their gastronomic adventure. Remains of their yesteryear reflexes probably had saved our superheroes – but for how long, no one knew. Erstwhile superheroes Ashesh, Jay, Indra, Vaishali and Kajili along with their kids (Vritti and Adi) had gathered to celebrate Ashesh's B'day.

“Surrender yourself – This is NV. You can't defeat me this time”, Announced  a massive figure in his Devilish voice.

All of a sudden the familiarity of the voice struck our superheroes. They had known the enemy for long and defeated him in many a battle. The eight feet, four legged evil with ten hands seemed to have been brought back from oblivion. Without pondering over the how of it, they did what the situation asked for - A Counter Attack with whatever weapons the dinner table offered. Jay used the chilli sauce to blind the monster's eyes. Indra swung the sharp knife to cut NV's spreading girth. Ashesh threw a full glass of wine to counter his acid filled heart. However, these were of no use as the once familiar foe had now mutated to an entity which was unexpectedly resilient and morbidly dangerous. NV was growing in proportions minute by minute – engulfing everything around. The life size threat was around or was within, soon became difficult to judge.

Jay was shot in the arm. Indra’s ammunition of cutlery was also over. Vaishali and Kajili – with all their might were hugging the carrycot, the small comfortable abode for their little ones. Their eyes though would reveal – comfort was a distant notion. Fear rested in there. There are moments in life when even the mightiest of them all, face self doubt and despair. Moments, when hope tries to break away and self pity seems to surround you like dark clouds. However, the unsuspecting mind never thought such a moment would arrive in a pleasant evening at Malaka Street.

With no time in hand, Ashesh suggested to save the kids at least. They plotted the plan to divert the attention of the monster so that Vaishali and Kajili could make an attempt to escape. They all agreed - this time without any customary arguments.
They had to spread wide. Ashesh and Indra dived to the table on the right with a plate for a shield. By the time they lodged themselves to relative safety in the new barrack, the twosome had in their wounded hand only remains of the ceramic disc. They screamed and without wasting any time, they started to hurl whatever resources they could lay their hands on. Observing NV's momentary distraction, Jay nodded to Vaishali and Kajili. The desperate moms clutched the carrycots in their hands and sprinted towards the entrance. Once, they were a few meters away from the place, "hope" brought them to senses. With a feeble smile Kajli looked inside the carrycots and utter shock almost burst her veins. The kids weren't there. Vaishali was equally dumbfounded. Their moist eyes led them back to the battleground.

What they saw back there was an illogical turn of events. A scene which a blog like this with its limited understanding cannot justifiably describe. But we conjure up our own alternate forms of reality and thus, we exist - so I move ahead.

The smoke had settled. Vritti and Adi were smiling and playing with each other. There was no sign of NV. Our battle spent superheroes, were only staring at each other. Vaishali and Kajli hugged their kids. After spending some time to ensure themselves that Vritti and Adi were unhurt, they turned their attention towards the men. Their curiosity to know what happened overshadowed any concern for injuries that such a conflict may have left.

None of them had any answers except Jay. When the four pairs of eyes stared inquisitively towards Jay, he opened up - 

"I was hiding behind a chair. I could hear the devil's heavy steps approaching me. Everything seemed to be over. I picked up a fork and prepared myself to perish with a last hurrah.Then, I heard a little laughter and after a while, some more. The giggles were interrupted with a few "hmmms" and "uhhs". I peeped through a hole in the chair to find an astonishing scene. Vritti and Adi were in front of the monster laughing in a way as if there was a clown, jumping and dancing for their entertainment. Each laughter seemed to break into a hundred pieces and with each piece a fairy was born. The fairies seemed to absorb all the malice that NV could throw on them. Soon, the monster started to shrink and the fairies just smiled and smiled. A sudden flash of light with a loud shrill of joy filled the scene and then, they all disappeared."

The watchman flashed the torchlight inside the car and with his squint eyes tried to recognise the guests who had arrived at such an odd hour.

"Boy wonder! This is your home. Wake up and get off! unless you are planning to spend the night in the car", shouted Ashesh and shook Jay really hard.

Indra added from the back seat,"This bugger had a little too much of wine in the party!!"

Then, they all smiled and laughed a little. Jay looked at his friends and saw only goodwill and no envy.

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"When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies." 

― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

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JAY 11:28 AM  2 comments

The 7 Cardinal Sins minus 1

This creation leaves the trivial things in life like the general elections and an underperforming economy to the lesser mortals and talks about real pressing issues faced by the mankind and that is courting girls to find a suitable match for Jay.

Acknowledgement
This piece is being presented with a fair knowledge that tomorrow a disgruntled employee, a spurned lover, the newspaper-wala whose monthly bill I didn't pay and the neighbor whose window panes I had broken while playing cricket 20 years ago, can use it against me. But I see the Glass - Half Full. So, I confess here with a hope for humanity and its tendency to forgive those who err.

Cover Story

01/09/13 4:11:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: Hi

01/09/13 4:12:00 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Hi

01/09/13 4:17:51 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: howz u

01/09/13 4:18:13 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Cool.. u?

01/09/13 4:25:50 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: gud

01/09/13 4:26:41 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: n work??

01/09/13 4:27:07 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Wo bhi theek hai .. How was yo trip to Singapore?

01/09/13 4:32:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: awesome...

01/09/13 4:44:11 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: how was ur date....?

01/09/13 4:47:27 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Was gr8 ..

01/09/13 4:47:54 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: dis was which 1 ....ur nth..

01/09/13 4:48:50 PM: Jay The Old Hag: 6th .. It took me sm effort dis time but I managed ..

01/09/13 4:49:01 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 4:49:03 PM: Xena The Warrior Princes: omg.. 6th in a row

01/09/13 4:49:16 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: did she like u ? dats imp..

01/09/13 4:50:20 PM: Jay The Old Hag: I think she wanted to say so .. Her lips moved but her voice was nt audible ..

01/09/13 4:50:31 PM: Jay The Old Hag: And ..

01/09/13 4:50:30 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: hahaa

01/09/13 4:50:33 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: omg

01/09/13 4:50:59 PM: Jay The Old Hag: After u poison some1 it's best not to hang around fr long..

01/09/13 4:50:59 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: frm whr on dis earth did you hunt her

01/09/13 4:51:35 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: it depends on wat type of  poison....u r inducin

01/09/13 4:51:38 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: n on whom

01/09/13 4:53:18 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Oh! Don worry I know a bit bout poisons now after d exp of administering it 6 times..

01/09/13 4:53:41 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 4:53:52 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: dat i knw how smart u r in administerin poison

01/09/13 4:55:24 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: after all a 33 yr old guy will b an expert in it

01/09/13 4:56:36 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Is it so .. ? But all good things come to an end :( ... N now I hv only 1 to go ..

01/09/13 4:58:42 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: freak...r u havin a swamybhar

01/09/13 5:01:19 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Did u mean to type Swamy Bar .. ? Tht will b nice ..

01/09/13 5:01:36 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha.. dat too wit ladies dancin

01/09/13 5:02:18 PM: Jay The Old Hag: If they are dancing there, they may not be "ladies".... :p.. I mean to stop at 7 .. Coz I hv heard its 7 Khoon maaf..

01/09/13 5:02:44 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: after dat u will b hanged ???  or ...

01/09/13 5:04:31 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Pata nahin .. may be. Also, aftr tht I hv no reason to kill ..

01/09/13 5:04:48 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Der r only 7 Cardinal sins na ..

01/09/13 5:05:07 PM: Jay The Old Hag:  So, may b they will hang me aftr tht ..

01/09/13 5:08:31 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

01/09/13 5:08:42 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: yaar set ho ja.... bahut tp kar liya life main

01/09/13 5:10:12 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: official life set hai...ab personal kar le

01/09/13 5:11:07 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: i will meet u for a round of chit chat

01/09/13 5:12:13 PM: Jay The Old Hag: Life insurance hai na ..

01/09/13 5:13:57 PM: Xena The Warrior Princess: haha

Epilogue:

Dating Wrath, Greed, Gluttony, Pride, Envy, Lust and Sloth.

1. Wrath (Ira) - She was all wrapped in a blood red sleeveless gown. Our love met a pitifully tragic end in the very first time we went out on a dinner date. Over dinner, we waited and weren't served for almost 20 minutes, Ira's anger boiled over. Firstly, she abused the manager long enough for him to have nightmares and then, she mocked me endlessly for being the spineless person I am. I think she may have questioned my manhood too. To marry her or not, was not the Q but survival of The Bengali Bhadralok was!!! It was not the poison that I used but Ira was done by her anger.

2. Gluttony (Gulabo) – Not every woman biting that Mango is as enticing as Katrina Kaif (see here) even if her name is Gulabo. Some of them stuff themselves like a pig. I am a pig myself but I keep my gastronomic adventures to myself and my ways don't infringe someone else's peace. Gulabo, however, crossed all limits. When I thought the dinner was over, she ordered an extra soup and then, ate my ice cream too. It was the chocolate sauce I added on top of the ice-cream bowl, which was poisoned. I have never seen anyone lick one's death to such delight. Charles Schultz has once said, “All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.” I guess he was wrong.

3. Greed (Avaritia) - To call Avaritia just another girl would be grossly undermining her persona. I find one word that can capture enormity of her acumen - A Female Munimji. When the food bill was produced she asked for a 5 % discount because the tamarind was too tangy and another 5% because the Rasogolla was too sweet. The effort required to burn that extra calorie would mean an extra month on the treadmill in the Gym. So, someone needed to pay the fee. Avaritia's argument was just and so was mine (to kill her). Ten more customers in a day like that would result in the failure of entire food and restaurant business. I was dutifully bound to carry out God's work and save the industry.

4. & 5. Pride and Envy (SuperVidia) – SuperVidia was elegant and calm. In the conversation, she flew like a cherepy bird from one topic to another describing how awesome she is. I soaked everything with her effervescent beauty till we started talking about our parents. She said her dad is humble, caring, rich, intelligent, USAIN BOLT, STEVE JOBS, BABA RAMDEV, ... (ok! she may not have said the last few but you get the drift..). By the time, Supervidia finished, I started to believe her Dad didn't require a woman as a partner to give birth to her. He is superhuman enough to have done it on his own (you know Mitosis). To be the daughter of someone so prolific was shining through Supervidia's face. Little else in the surrounding mattered to her.
            Neighbours envy is your pride. By that corollary, the one beaming with pride is unknowingly causing envy somewhere else. So, the above lady who had pride on her nose, in her silky smooth hair, her billowing gown, her apple red cheeks - was guilty of causing envy too. Unwillingly, I killed her twice. Once, with the poison and then, I shot her too.

6. Now, I imagine you must be waiting for the one I killed because of her lecherous nature .. for her lust..

Actually, I killed her because she said her name was Sunny Leone. Just like that or may be because I was bored of excessive social media jokes on her.

[About Sunny Leone - Did you guys watch The Virginity Hit, the movie that introduced me to Sunny Leone. If not for anything else, it is better than spending time in such blogs :P. The movie opens with the following epic lines  -

“I'm gonna do to your virginity what Alfred Hitchcock did to birds.”]

Sloth - the 7th one .. wait for it!!

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JAY 9:02 AM  2 comments